


Alexander's List of Things to do Before You Die

by fancypearl



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: 6 months to live, Alex is smol, Alex refuses chemo, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer, Discussion of ethics, Discussions of heaven and hell, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Spoiler alert: Alex IS going to die, The big question: where do we go after we die?, There's a lot of philosophical stuff in this, Time Skips, Tragedy, Vomiting, We don't hate on Martha Manning in this because I'm not here for that, discussion of religion, discussions of mortality, john is pure, listen.. Alexander has cancer so you can expect everything that comes with that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-11-29 14:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11442606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancypearl/pseuds/fancypearl
Summary: Alexander never dreamed that he would be diagnosed with cancer, much less be given six months to live. Now he feels like he's running out of time more than ever, and cursing himself for all of the times he chose work over his own life. When he revisits the memories he had with his high school sweetheart, John Laurens.. He has one wish: he does not want to die lonely.





	1. Tell your friends.. and family

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! I have a lot to cover in this authors note so I really hope you take the time to read it. I've never wrote a story that does not have a happy ending, and this will be the first.. I also never wrote anything that is quite this philosophical, or something that tests a characters ethics. So here's a few things you need to know before reading this fic: 
> 
> 1\. IT DOES deal with cancer which is something I personally (Thank God) never dealt with, but I've done research on it and I've researched how people who are facing death think and act, so I'm trying to approach this with the sensitivity and caution that I approach every topic I write about. 
> 
> 2\. THAT being said: In this fic, Alex refuses treatment. Whether or not that is against your ethics is up to you. I, personally, always go for choice of the person who his facing the illness- that's what I've been taught as a nursing student. If this bother use in any way, this may not be the story for you. DISCLAIMER: I am not saying that chemotherapy or radiation is in any way unhelpful or unethical. It prolongs lives and people who chose to go through it deserves that choice, but Alex is terminal in this fanfiction and he doesn't want to feel sicker than he already is. 
> 
> 3\. THIS fanfiction centers around death A LOT.. with that comes some pretty deep discussions that people face when they face death. Where do we go where we die? Is there a heaven or a hell? John was raised in a Christian environment, and Alex didn't quite grow up around religion, therefor their views will be a bit different. If this bothers you in any way, it may not be for you. 
> 
> 4\. FINALLY.. Alex is going to die in this fanfiction. There's no way to sugar coat this or make it not happen. There isn't going to be a miracle. There's major character death, and it's going to happen. If you don't like this, it may not be for you. 
> 
> PHEW.. I got these outta the way so now no one can say I didn't warn them. 
> 
> ALSO, this fanfiction has it's own playlist. You don't have to listen to the songs I recommend with each chapter, but it's what I listened to when writing this story so I recommend you look them the h*ck up on spotify or youtube or wherever.. For chapter one I chose 'Spirits' by The Strumbellas it's a good song and it reminds me of life.

_And I don't want a never ending life.. I just want to be alive while I'm here._

_\- Spirits, The Strumbellas._

X  
Alex couldn't tell you what you should do if you're told you have only months to live, because he didn't know the answer himself- and now he was facing it head on; he was left wondering if the world had been out to get him since the day he was born. 

It's easy to say that you would rob a bank, spend all of your money, quit your job and locate on some peaceful island where you could sip Martinis and flirt with the cute pool boy. It was easy to think of only yourself in this situation.. But it's not like that. 

Alex had sat there, in front of the solemn doctor and he felt like someone had literally punched him in the chest and stole all of the air out of his body. 

He had people he loved.. He couldn't think about himself. He wanted to run away and start a new life and all of that, but he was.. Dying. At twenty-seven years old, he was already dying. It was something he hadn't expected to happen until he was old and grey, and he'd accomplished so much. 

The silence in the room was deafening and Alex could hear only the clock ticking in the background. He wanted to rip it off the wall, because it was only reminding him about how he was running out of time. He'd always been nonstop but now.. he actually didn't have any time. 

"I know it's a hard thing to take in, Mr. Hamilton." The doctor said slowly and he could see the doctor press his fingertips together as he continued. "But there are options- we have an incredible cancer center, we could get you started on chemo-" 

"You said it was stage four." Alex said simply. "So it's like spread and stuff. It isn't just in my stomach anymore." 

"That's correct." The doctor nodded. "There's really no way we could operate and remove it." 

"So I will die?" Alex whispered. "Eventually." 

He didn't need to remind himself that everyone died eventually, but he knew that even with the chemo he would only last a few years. He would feel sick and weak. He'd lose his hair. He would lose weight, and he would be just like his mother. 

"Yes, Mr. Hamilton." The doctor nodded. "You will die." 

"No chemo." Alex said slowly. "I don't.. I would rather just die sooner." 

"It could keep you alive-" The doctor protested. 

Alex grabbed his bag that held his laptop and paperwork. He had been on his way to his office before he stopped in to meet the doctor. He had expected them to say that the biopsy that was taken to pathology had come back normal.. Maybe he just had a stomach bug. 

No. He had stomach cancer.  
X 

Alex didn't know how someone spent their last months alive. He had never made a bucket list- he had always jumped at everything, and felt like he was too pessimistic for a bucket list. He'd always assumed he would die in a freak accident, or running his mouth to the wrong person. 

Not like this. 

He'd stared down at his blank piece of paper, wondering what he wanted to do before his life ended. But everything was generic and wrong. He hated heights, so of course he didn't want to go bungee jumping. He had spent all of his childhood on an island- so he didn't want to die on one. 

He set the pen down on the desk, and for once in his life (his very short life).. He was at a loss for words. He didn't know how long he sat at the desk, just looking at the wall- his eyes blank. The doctor's words raced through his head, and he hoped that maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe the doctor would call in an hour or so, laugh awkwardly and say: "well, Mr. Hamilton, looks like we mixed your results with some other poor bastard." 

But Alexander had never had that great of luck. 

He looked around his desk. He had pictures placed everywhere.. Pictures of him and Eliza.. Of him and Angelica- of Peggy. He had friends who loved him; they loved him even when he pushed them away. They loved him even when he worked all night and forgot to call. 

He looked at their smiling faces.. 

Friends who deserve to know. 

Alex took a deep breath and wrote at the top of his page, because if he was going to die in his own sick.. He was going to go out with a flair of dramatics. 

**'Alexander's list of things to do when he dies.'**

**Number one: Tell your friends.**  
X 

Admittedly, Alex lacked tact. He was always very blunt, and not capable of hinting around things. His mother, when she was alive, had been soft and gentle. She always had the kindest smile, even when someone did her wrong. She never cried in front of her sons, much to Alex's disbelief. At the time he had thought she was weak, and he vowed never to let himself be that soft. 

But she was the strong one.. It was truly a lot harder to be soft. 

Alex had sent a group message to the girls. It was a simple one, recommending that they get together and watch some movies, maybe talk about work (Alex conveniently left out that he would be circling the drain very soon).. They responded quickly; Alexander was too scared to look at them. 

He was accepting this very well- and he didn't want to suddenly be reminded of the people he would be leaving behind. Unfortunately, he had to face this sooner than he expected- because he had forgotten that he had two adopted parents who cared for him very much. 

He had to tell George and Martha. They loved him. They would want to know. 

X 

Alex would much rather just forget the memory. He automatically stored it in the back of his mind, deciding not to dwell on it. 

They didn't take it well. 

There was yelling. 

George cried.. He'd never seen him cry before. He sobbed, grabbing a hold of Alex's shoulders and through Martha's whimpers he could hear George whisper, "please just take the treatment, son. If it's the cost you're worried about, we'll pay for it." 

Alex had to admit, his voice wobbled when he answered. 

"I'm going to die anyway." He said. "I don't want to go out like my mother did. I want my dignity." 

George fell to his knees. 

X 

Angelica and Eliza arrived on time, like always. He wasn't even angry or surprised when Peggy marched in about fifteen minutes later- with her hair a mess, smelling like fresh air and adventure. Alex felt his stomach drop.. He would miss that smell. 

He watched fondly as Peggy rolled her eyes as Eliza started reprimanding her. She bounced on the couch, wrapping her arm around her older sister. "What can I say.. I'm a mess, Liza." 

"Never change." Alex said quietly, and a bit too seriously. All three sisters looked at him at the same time, and he could see Angelica furrow her eyebrows. She was always the one to pick up on emotional cues that the others never quite understood. 

Peggy, ever oblivious, leaned back on the couch. "Don't plan on it, Lexie. So are we gonna watch this bitch or what." 

The movie they picked went over Alex's head as the others made off hand comments throughout the entire thing. Alex couldn't stop his gaze from wandering over to the girls every now and again. They looked so happy in the light of the television, and he didn't want to ruin it. 

Alex tried to remind himself that he had to be sensitive about this. He was announcing the fact that he was dying for god sake. It wasn't like he was announcing that he was getting married, or that he and his partner were expecting a child. 

He was announcing that he was dying.. Kicking the bucket.. Circling the drain. He wouldn't be here in a years' time. Nothing would ever be the same again.  
So he did what any normal, sane, and sensitive person would do.. 

He wanted for the credits to role and when the group was bickering about the ending to the movie, Alex cleared his throat and spoke up. 

"So.. Umm.. I'm dying." He said, AS IF he were announcing that he was getting married or that him and his partner were expecting a child soon. 

All three of them paused, mid-sentence. Eliza looked alarmed, Angelica looked shockingly unemotional, and Peggy chuckled and nodded. "Same. That movie fucked me up." 

Alex couldn't help but laugh at that. "Funny Peggy, but I'm actually dying." 

"Alexander.." Eliza said slowly. "Please tell me.. You're joking?" 

Eliza's eyes widened and her lips wobbled when she saw Alex look down at his hands that were curled up in his sweatshirt. He had to look down at his socked feet- he didn't even cry when his parents found out, so he couldn't start because Eliza's brown eyes looked devastated. 

"I have stomach cancer." Alex said, as if he were talking about the possibility of rain the next day. "It's terminal, and I looked that up- and it basically means it's spread, and I can't get rid of it. Not even with surgery." 

Angelica opened and closed her mouth, and Alex thought she looked like a fish out of water. He found it a bit shocking that she was out of words as well. "But with treatment.. Surely, something can be done right? It can prolong your life." 

"I've decided that I don't want to do that. If I have six months left.. So be it." Alex grimaced. "I want to live. I'm trying to make a list. I want to be able to do things." 

Eliza sobbed, burying her face in her hands; Peggy grabbed her sister's shoulder as if she were going to pass out right there. Angelica's face turned into pure fury. She shook her head in denial. "No. You're going to live Alexander. You're going to go.. Go in there and get the damn treatment." 

Alex was quiet for a second, before responding. "I've already decided." 

Angelica look hurt.. Betrayed even. She clenched her fists and stood and Alex thought that maybe she was going to strike him in the face. Much to his surprise, she let out a strangled cry and shook her head. "I.. Can't even look at you." 

Alex made no move to stop her as she walked out of his apartment. Everyone was silent for a moment, except for Eliza's whimpers. 

Finally, Peggy spoke. 

"Well.." She whispered, and she had tears streaming down her face. "We can't make you do anything you don't want to do... So I think Eliza and I would love to help you with that list." 

Alexander smiled, and looked over to Eliza. She slowly sat up and looked at Peggy, but she refused to look at Alex... But she still managed a tiny nod. 

"Yes.." She whispered. "Let's help you with that list." 

X 

Alex still didn't know how to go about writing a to-do list before he died, even with his friends' help. Peggy came up with the usual things- do at least one drug before he died ('C'mon.. What do you got to lose.' She'd said morbidly). Eliza had texted him things like 'fall in love', but love took forever and he didn't have forever. 

He had six months, at the most. 

But, he had to admit, the idea of dying lonely was gnawing at him. It felt like it was trying to form a disease all of its own, and Alexander didn't know how to make it stop. 

...That's when he remembered. 

He'd taken a break one night, mindlessly going through the drawers in his house. He didn't want anyone to find any embarrassing shit when he died, so he had to make sure that he got rid of it before someone found it- someone like his enemy, Jefferson- and used it against him. 

In doing that, he found the pictures of him and John Laurens. 

It wasn't anything raunchy.. Just a handful of Polaroids and some cheesy photos that they'd taken at a cheap photo booth at the mall. But it spoke a thousand words. The way John's eyes lit up when he looked at Alex, and the way Alex smiled when John wasn't looking. 

He had loved him. 

They had been so young, at the age of sixteen. John's father hadn't even known that his son was gay, thinking that he was dating a sweet girl named Martha. 

Despite this, they had loved each other. He'd made Alex open up in a way he didn't think possible. 

Alex had never felt that way again. 

His hands shook as he reached for his phone, sending a quick text to Eliza.. Telling her that she had been right. He didn't want to die lonely.. He wanted to die loved. Sure, he had best friends who loved him and parents who loved him more than anything. 

But no one had loved him that way.. 

No one but John. 

X 

Alex took out his pen that night and hurriedly wrote the second thing he needed to do.. 

**Meet John again**

(It may or may not have had a series of hearts after it).


	2. Meet John Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "John was staring back at him, mouth open. Alex didn't know what to say, because there he was.. Standing in front of him. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt and baggy sweatpants, and his hair was tied in a bun. Alex couldn't quite read the look in his eyes as he stared Alex down. 
> 
> Did he hate him?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS BEFORE 4 PM, I know. But if you've read my stories before, you know that I'm not really good at scheduling these things. I get really excited and post early, but in this case.. I got a lot of stuff to do today so I wanted to get this out for you guys. 
> 
> For this chapter, I recommend listening to 'All I Want' by Kodaline.. It's such a good song and it always makes me cry. I understand by giving you all my playlist I'm putting myself out there for my incredibly generic taste in music, but I'm usually a hip-hop and pop kinda girl.. I just delved into my more sad taste of music for this.

_All I want is nothing more_  
_To hear you knocking at my door_  
_'Cause if I could see your face once more_  
_I could die as a happy man I'm sure_  
_-Kodaline, All I Want._  
X 

It took nearly a month to track down John Laurens, much to Alex's dismay. He counted down the the days, and with each one he felt as if he was losing more time. He felt like the next day he would be dead, and it took both Peggy and Eliza to remind him that he still had time left. 

"I'm pretty sure that the six months thing is just a guess, or something." Peggy shrugged. "Didn't you survive the measles or something as a child.. You'll be fine. I wouldn't be surprised if you made it to five years and then told the doctor to go fuck himself." 

Alex didn't say anything as he looked down and picked at the bowl of popcorn that the girls had made. Alex had this feeling in his gut.. And he didn't think that he would be making it to five years. Nevertheless, Peggy looked hopeful and he was never one to crush her dreams. 

It was her idea to have Alex live with her and Eliza (Peggy had her own apartment, but she spent most of her time with her sister). Alex had been hesitant.. He didn't want to feel like a burden, but both of the girls had practically begged him. He finally relented, and agreed to stay with them. 

(He would eventually find somewhere else to live.. He didn't want to burden them with having to take care of him when he finally reached the end of his life). 

"How'd you and John break up anyway.. You two were so cute together." Eliza asked, finally speaking up, after staying quiet for most of the gathering. "One day you were together and the next day you were so mopey.. And all 'I have so much work to do'.." 

Alex shrugged, and thought about it. He had buried himself alive in his work so he wouldn't have to think about the way they'd both agreed that it would be better if they just stopped being together. "He was going back to South Carolina with his parents to pursue nursing, and I was going to stay in New York- we couldn't work a long distance relationship without his father knowing." 

Eliza's face grew serious. "Are you willing to travel to South Carolina just to be with him again." 

Alex looked between the two girls, who were trying to act like they wouldn't be heartbroken at the notion of Alex leaving to go chase down some boy all the way across the United States. He wouldn't be able to hurt them like that. 

"Hopefully he lives closer." Alex said simply. 

X 

Luckily, John Laurens did live closer- and it was neither Peggy or Eliza who figured this out. The information came from Angelica, who reluctantly walked in the apartment and tossed a print-out at him. Alex looked up at her and found that she had her arms crossed over her chest, barely looking at him. 

"He moved back to New York." She grumbled. "He's a nurse at a hospital.. You know,.. you're lucky I love you because I look like a stalker trying to track down some fling you had in High School." 

Alex couldn't help the smile that played at the corner of his lips as Eliza and Peggy silently fist-bumped from beside him. As much as Angelica tried to play the role of 'hard bitch', she could never hide her fondness for Alexander or her sisters. She was soft, on the inside. 

"Holy shit, Angelica.. You even found out where he lived." Peggy snorted. "You are some next level detective." 

"You got a secret job we don't know about?" Eliza piped up. 

Angelica smiled a little bit. "I know Jefferson.. Who knows someone by the name of Gilbert.. Who is dating someone by the name of Hercules- who used to live with John Laurens." 

"This information came from Jefferson?" Alex scrunched his nose. 

"GOD, Alex.." Angelica snapped. "Can you for once in your life be satisfied? He doesn't know that you're.. Dying.. Or whatever. I just told him that I needed to get a hold of John Laurens for personal reasons. He assumed that, since you knew Lafayette and Mulligan, you would have this info." 

Alex shook his head. "I haven't spoken to them in forever." 

Alex looked down at the picture in front of him.. John Laurens' face was staring back at him. He'd grown his hair out from the last time Alex saw him. He no longer had a short mop of curly hair on his head- but instead it reached his neck. 

He looked good.. Like he expected an adult John Laurens would look like. 

"Go get your dream boat, Alex." Eliza smiled sadly, nudging Alex with her elbow. 

X 

Alex was thankful for his extensive knowledge with the layout of New York. He didn't really plan on what he would say to John when he finally came face to face with him again.. Would he even want to see him? What if he had a boyfriend? How would Alex explain his sudden re-appearance in John's life? 

He tried not to think about it too much on the subway he took that morning, instead putting his headphones in and people watching. He tried, for a moment, to put stories to the people in front of him. They'd always just been a blur to him... just people who happened to be in the same place as him. 

But, apparently the feeling of mortality did odd things to a person because Alex had started seeing people in a different light. He noticed all the good things.. Like the mother who was holding her son close; the businessman who had stood up in order to give his seat to an elderly woman who was wobbling on her cane. 

The girl who had started chatting to the woman next to her when some random guy got a little too close for her comfort. Alex had always refused to see the good things, it seemed. But he felt oddly warm now, so much so that he almost didn't notice when the train came to a stop. 

On the walk to John's apartment, he read over Eliza and Peggy's texts of encouragement- even Angelica sent him a good luck text. He chuckled at that.. She couldn't stay away from him even if she tried; he could see how protective she still was of him. 

John Laurens lived in a humble apartment, all red-brick and exactly what Alex would expect him to settle down in. He lived on the third floor, and Alex trudged the stairs slowly (he had never been this tired after climbing three flights of stairs, but he could feel black spots overcoming his vision as he had to lean up against the wall after the climb; he tried to convince himself it was because of the cold January air). 

Alex stopped in front of the green door, a small slip of the plastic read 'Laurens' on the side. He reached his hand out to knock, but promptly stopped. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should just turn back around. He could learn to be satisfied with dying without his whirlwind romance. He didn't need to be loved romantically.. It was overrated really- familial love was so much better in the end. 

But this is what he wanted.. 

He told himself that, as he knocked on the door. He closed his eyes and let out a breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. His hands shook as he took a couple steps back. He almost laughed at himself. He was Alexander.. He was never nervous. 

But he felt like he was going to throw up. 

The door opened quickly and Alex opened up his eyes. "Here to get the rest of your.." 

John was staring back at him, mouth open. Alex didn't know what to say, because there he was.. Standing in front of him. He was wearing a long sleeve shirt and baggy sweatpants, and his hair was tied in a bun. Alex couldn't quite read the look in his eyes as he stared Alex down. 

Did he hate him? 

"...Stuff." John finished lamely. 

Alex cleared his throat. Damn it, he did not have enough tact for this. He was never smooth or eloquent when it came to getting himself out of awkward ex-boyfriend encounters. He raised his hand slowly, and gave him a little wave. 

"Holy shit.." John said, breaking out into a grin. "Alexander?" 

Alex let out a sigh of relief as he smiled and nodded. He didn't know quite where to go from there. He couldn't just blurt out 'yeah, hello.. By the way, I'm dying! Surprise!' 

"Come in." John said quickly practically pulling Alex inside. "You must be freezing. You were never one to dress appropriately for the weather, if I remember correctly." 

Alex chuckled, slipping off his boots. "No.. We didn't really have winter in Nevis." 

He looked around John's apartment... It was out of sorts, with boxes laying around and not many pictures on the walls. It didn't look as lived in as Alex expected it to be. John was always very sentimental, and all of their dates had always been very meaningful. 

John seemed to notice him looking around, because he sent him an apologetic smile as he set a couple glasses of water on the side table. "I'm sorry it's a little messy. My roommates moved out.. They kind of fell in love with each other." 

"Hercules and Laf?" Alex smiled. 

John furrowed his eyebrows together, looking at Alex suspiciously. "How did you know? Am I really that predictable after all of these years?" 

Alex froze. "I.. Uh.. Just guessed." 

John nodded, motioning to the couch. "I got you a glass of water, you look a little pale.. Are you coming down with something?" 

He looked so worried, and Alex couldn't stop his hand from making its way to his face. He hadn't realized that he had started looking sick. He knew that he'd been losing weight, but he'd always had a bad habit of not taking care of himself. "I have a cold." He said lamely. 

He made his way over to John, sitting down next to him a grabbing the water. He drank it almost greedily, not noticing how dry his throat had been. He couldn't help but blush when he saw that John's eyes were still on him. 

"We have so much to catch up on." John smiled. 

Alex nodded in agreement, not knowing where to start. Luckily for him, John knew exactly what to say as he started talking about his time in nursing school and how lonely he'd been in South Carolina. Alex listened intently, taking in his words. It had been so long since he heard his voice. John talked so smoothly and softly that it could almost put Alex to sleep, and not in a bad way. It was almost like a lullaby and it was exactly as Alex remembered it. 

"When did you leave South Carolina?" Alex asked. 

"After I graduated." John said simply, taking a sip of his water. "I couldn't deal with Henry anymore, and I needed to get away from him. I had my own income, so of course I made it back to New York. Hercules and Gil were more than happy to get this apartment with me." 

Alex smiled as he looked around once more. It was a nice place, and the view of the city was absolutely beautiful. 

"So what about you?" John asked. "You're an important lawyer, no doubt." 

Alex frowned, and John seemed to notice this as he looked at Alex with concern. Alex brought the glass of water to his lips and shrugged. "I-uh- actually lost my job recently.. For personal reasons. I've been living with Eliza Schuyler. She's one of my best friends. I'm just trying to get back on my feet again, I guess." 

They both grew quiet, and Alex cursed himself for making it so awkward. He didn't mean to make into a 'let's pity Alex party', but it seemed as if that's exactly what he did. 

"So this is.." John laughed quietly and looked over at Alex, leaning his head against the couch. "..Probably a really stupid suggestion, and you can gladly run away from me if you think it's way too forward and crazy." 

Alex smirked. "I'm sure I've thought of crazier." 

John ran a hand through his curly hair and looked away from Alex, suddenly shy. "Would you.. I mean I have a room open if you would like to be my roommate for a while. I was going to put an ad out, so you would be doing me a huge favor." 

Alarms went off in Alex's head. He should definitely say no. This was a stupid idea, and the rational part of him tried to remind himself that he was IN FACT dying. He was going to die. He wouldn't be doing either of them any good if he agreed to this. He should say no.. He needed to say no to this. 

"That would be.. Great, actually." Wow, very smart Alex.. You tiny ball of pure selfishness. "Only to save you from some creep from craigslist." 

"Of course." John nodded. "God, I've missed you, Alex." 

Before Alex could say anything, John pulled him into a hug. Alex hesitated at first, but then slowly wrapped his arms around John's shoulders. He smelt just like Alex remembered; he smelt of cinnamon and something sweet. Alex felt comfortable there, as he rested his head on John's shoulder. He could die here.. And he would be perfectly content. 

"I've missed you too." He whispered back. 

X 

The look on Eliza and Peggy's face when he arrived that night and announced that he would be moving in with John Laurens for a time being was priceless. Peggy had sputtered on her drink and looked at Alex unbelievably. 

"THAT SOON?" Peggy snapped. "Did you fucking kiss him or something?" 

Eliza shook her head. "You're a disaster, Alex." 

Alex shrugged. "He was in need of a roommate." 

X 

Peggy gave Alex a great idea, and as he crossed out the second thing he needed to do off of his list.. He added another one. He knew that it would take some time, but he couldn't help but dream... 

**3\. Kiss John one last time.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this story is so sad, I've decided to add some happy facts at the end of this to make you smile. So HAPPY FACT #1: Did you know that a litter of pugs is called a grumble? Is that not the cutest thing ever? 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and please leave me a comment, I know that's a bit difficult since this story updates everyday but they really do make me smile and let me know that my hard work was worth it.


	3. Kiss John one last time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Alex could feel tears prickling at his eyelids when he thought about being a star in the sky. That would be peaceful, just to watch the world move from space. To know that no matter where you were, you could see people who love you. 
> 
> "That's a nice thought." Alex whispered, so only John could hear.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is out early once again.. You know I just might make it around 2-4 because I get wayy to excited. I'm chopping all of my hair off today, it's like to my mid-back and now it's going to be to my neck. I'm pretty excited! 
> 
> WARNING: Okay, so in this chapter you'll see what I mean about time skips and me moving their relationship forward kind of fast. This chapter spans about 2 months. Also, there is some discussion about vomiting.. specifically, vomiting blood. So be warned. 
> 
> For this chapter, I recommend listening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay, because I'm basic af and I love this song.

_Lights will guide you home_  
_And ignite your bones_  
_And I will try to fix you_  
_\- Coldplay, Fix You_

X 

Alex didn't have much to move over to John's house, just the stuff he needed. He would argue that all he really needed was his laptop, but Angelica had rolled her eyes at that statement, and brought his clothes to John's house later that night. 

John gave Alex the guest room that was located directly across from John's; He even had his own bathroom. Alex viewed John's apartment as more of a condo than an actual apartment, as he was used to living in his own rundown apartment. John had chuckled at that and explained that his mother had told him to call her if he ever needed help. 

"It's the least she could do after letting my father treat me like shit all of those years." He had explained, with a smile that was closer than a grimace. 

Alex couldn't complain, because it was comfortable. He had went to John's house expecting to have an awkward conversation, and to find that they no longer had anything in common. He thought maybe he would have a boyfriend, or have nothing to do with Alex at all. Alex figured he was just some high school fling that didn't mean anything to John. 

He'd been wrong, and he was never so eager to admit that in his entire life. There was still something there, and maybe Alex was just being way too optimistic, or maybe it was the fact that he was dying and his new found sense of mortality made him an idealist. 

But in the weeks he stayed at John's house, he couldn't escape the way John's eyes lingered when he thought Alex wasn't looking. To think.. John Laurens was still in love with him. John had been somewhat of a 'fuckboy' in high school (which were totally John's own words). He'd jumped from girls and guys a like, before he met Alex. Even then, he'd dated Martha Manning to appease his father- but both he and Martha knew that he really loved Alex. 

"What ever happened to Martha?" Alex asked, a couple nights later, while he and John stayed up and simply chatted. "She was always very nice." 

John nodded. "We went our separate ways, it ended nicely. I still talk to her online. But her and I both knew that it was just a relationship to make our parents happy." 

Alex hadn't pried any further after that.. He was too afraid. They were still friends, and their relationship had ended nicely just like John and Alex's had. Maybe that's all this was.. Maybe John was just being friendly with Alex. 

He shouldn't get his hopes up. He felt like he was staring at a clock, watching his time run out. He really hoped that this wasn't for nothing, that he could get some sort of closure before he died. He didn't want to die lonely.. Please don't let him die lonely. 

X 

There was always a voice in the back of Alex's head, reminding him that he needed to tell John eventually. He didn't need to let John find him one day, not breathing.. Dead. He couldn't do that to him. He tried to convince himself that maybe he could slide out of John's life one day, without a word. Maybe he would read in some obituary that Alex was dead. 

But he couldn't do that. That was selfish. He would be using John and then leaving him without another word. He would be getting close to John just to make himself feel better. This thought had left him in tears all night, until he finally fell asleep. 

He wasn't a bad person, he just wanted to live while he could. One part of his brain tried to convince him that it had been John who offered to give Alex a place to live, and he had just agreed. He couldn't have denied him.. He was so excited. But Alex had expected them to be distant, but that wasn't the case. 

Every time they stayed up late talking, it was like they were whispering to each other on the phone again, trying not to wake their parents. He could still count the freckles on John's face like he was counting the stars. 

His heart would beat so fiercely that Alex thought for a second that he was actually going to die four months earlier than the doctor had told him. 

Things were great. The time seemed to meld together, and soon two months just seemed like a week. It was when John went to work and Alex was left alone, that he remembered that he was limited in time... That if John knew the truth, he would surely resent Alex. 

X 

John wasn't stupid, of course. He'd always been exceptionally intelligent, in all of the things Alex wasn't.. Like biology and math. He noticed quickly that Alex wasn't okay, but he didn't make that big of a fuss out of it. Alex had always been sick, rivaling James Madison in days sick from school. 

He commented on the little things. He and Alex had spent hours trying to make something edible for the both of them, and it had went to hell. They had nearly caught the apartment on fire, and they both agreed that they were hopeless when it came to cooking. 

John had ordered a pizza instead. 

Alex was never that big of an eater, but when he caught the whiff of food.. His stomach practically did a somersault. It did not look appetizing and his gag reflex warned him that if he even tried to force himself to eat that, there was no way it was staying down. 

He couldn't even eat anymore. 

"Are you going to eat Alex?" John asked, mouth full. Alex scrunched his nose up in disgust, and John smiled apologetically and swallowed before Alex could gag. "You never eat. You've been here for two months and I think you've lost weight.. I know I can't cook, but surely take-out isn't that bad." 

Alex smiled teasingly and rolled his eyes. "I don't have much of an appetite after watching you scarf down that pizza with your mouth open, you heathen." 

Alex tried to change the subject, but it was too no avail. John's eyes grew serious as he regarded Alex. "Are you okay?" 

No. Alex wasn't okay. He had a disease that was ravaging his insides, but he couldn't admit that to John. It struck Alex that he hadn't realized that while he was getting more attached to John, maybe John was getting attached to him too. 

"I'm fine." Alex smiled, grabbing a hold of a piece and taking a small bite. He tried to keep it down as he gave John a very forced smile. "See? It's good!" 

Alex regretted eating it, because that entire night he was left throwing up. He was thankful that John was called into work because at one point Alex was convinced that he was going to die with his cheek resting on the toilet. 

(He tried to ignore the blood that came up when he had nothing else in his system). 

The second time John had become concerned, Alex cursed his own body for ruining a perfectly good moment. It had been one of those random moments that only happened in cheesy rom-coms, and it fit nowhere in the tragedy that Alex was planning for himself. 

A song on the radio that seemed to have both of them bouncing around the living room like a couple of teenage girls. It was almost comical in the way they had both shouted "I love this song!" At the same time. It was one of those sugary pop songs that Alex had been introduced to through Peggy, and John had been introduced to through Lafayette. 

Alex had grabbed a hold of John's hands without a second thought, swinging their arms around and the music was almost completely blocked out by the sounds of John and Alex's laughs.  
Alex thought maybe he'd just stepped wrong, because one minute his vision was blurry and he was falling on his ass, John catching him before he could hurt himself. 

"Alex!" John yelled, turning off the music and getting down to Alex's level. 

Alex tried to reassure him that he was okay but his cheeks were too hot and he was having a hard time breathing, before he could mumble the words 'water', John was already on it. He hurried to Alex with a glass of water, in which Alex nearly gulped down the entire glass in one sip. 

"Are you okay?" John asked. 

Alex nodded and tried to laugh it off. "Y-Yeah.. I'm just.. I guess I'm out of shape." 

"You're burning up, Alex." John protested. 

"Strange." Alex said simply, eyes growing heavy. 

"Maybe you overheated yourself, let's get you to bed." John said slowly. 

X 

Alex was full of dread the day that John hurried in his room and announced that they would be meeting Lafayette and Hercules for dinner that night. Alex had tried to seem cheerful as he said, "finally.. Good food." 

"Ha." John rolled his eyes. "We should go." 

Alex desperately tried to think of an excuse. He couldn't say that he didn't have the money, because that was a lie. Alex had money saved back from his years of working non-stop, and John would no doubt insist that he could pay for the both of them. 

So Alex reluctantly agreed, trying to seem as if this was the greatest news he could ever hear. 

He got dressed that night, making sure to dress for the cold. Even though spring was right around the corner, he found himself cold all of the time. Not to mention, no one could comment on his weight loss if he dressed a bit baggy. 

John drove to the restaurant, humming along with whatever was on the radio so softly that Alex could have fallen asleep on the way to the restaurant, with no problem. The cool glass felt good on his cheek and he closed his eyes; he almost didn't notice when they pulled up to the restaurant. 

"Yo, sleepy head." John chuckled. "We're here." 

Alex smiled softly and followed John out of the car. Lafayette and Hercules were waiting for them when they got to the front.. Lafayette wasted no time pulling Alex into their arms, squeezing him so tightly that Alex was short of breath. 

"You haven't changed at all petit lion!" Lafayette grinned, pinching Alex's cheek. 

"Still short." Hercules said, clapping Alex on the shoulder. "You've never hit your growth spurt. I think John's even taller than you are now." 

Alex took the teasing in stride. He had to admit, it felt normal. He felt like this was the way things were supposed to be, like things were like they were before- before he knew that he was dying. 

X 

Alex warmed up to Lafayette and Hercules so well, it was like they were never apart. They joked about old times and Lafayette even smiled when Alex cracked jokes about Jefferson. Hercules coughed a word that sounded strangely like 'Francophile' and Lafayette gently tapped him upside the head. 

Alex couldn’t help but notice how close his hand was to John's, and how easy it would be just to rest his hand on top of his. But that would be too awkward.. It would scare him off surely. He'd only been living with John for two months, and he couldn't move things forward without his permission. He tried to push back the reminder that he didn't have time to take things so slow.. He didn't have time. 

Hercules seemed to notice how close their hands were, because he chuckled. "So are you guys going to be a thing again like old times, or what?" 

John choked on his water, and Alex's face became even more pale as the words left Hercules' mouth. Alex tried not to notice John nearly suffocating next to him, as he gazed down at his hands. 

Lafayette was glaring at Hercules more than ever as he quirked his eyebrows. 

"What the hell is up with you tonight.. Y-You two don't have to answer that.. CHRIST Hercules." Lafayette sputtered as they tried to comfort Alex and John at the same time. Hercules mumbled to himself as he got the third degree from Lafeyette. "Do you even think before you speak?" 

Luckily, the waitress approached before anyone was forced to answer. She had a huge smile on her face as she asked if they were ready to order. Alex felt scrutinized as he ordered a simple chicken salad.. He could feel John's worried gaze on him. 

"You need to eat actual sustenance." Lafayette said. 

Alex faked offense as he looked between the three of them. "It is actual sustenance. It has everything you would need.. Chicken.. And vegetables." 

This seemed to calm them, as they eased back into talking about their lives. John and Alex still seemed to be bashful and every time Alex caught John looking at him, he felt like his throat was closing up. John eased back into the conversation about work and Alex chatted about the work he was doing online (although that was nearly non-existent). 

When the food came, Alex was reminded of why he didn't want to come in the first place. To a normal appetite, it would look delicious.. Especially when all Alex really had that morning was a sleeve of crackers that he wasn't even able to keep down. 

Nonetheless, Alex tried to eat it. He picked at it with his fork before forcing himself to take a bite. He had to keep this charade going for as long as he could force it to seem normal. The others didn't seemed concerned, so Alex figured he was doing good. 

He finished nearly half of it before he felt way too full to eat it all. His stomach seemed okay with it. He thought that maybe this would be the one thing he would be able to keep down. 

He was wrong. 

His stomach twisted so badly that he almost fell over, a cramp worse than anything he ever felt seemed to be making itself home in his body.. And before anyone could say anything- he was already standing on his feet, mumbling about needing to use the bathroom. 

He barely made it to the toilet before he was hacking up his undigested food. Something felt different this time.. It burned. Alex barely contained his gasp when he looked down and saw the blood that was splattered on the toilet. 

He felt like he was going to faint. 

"Alex." A soft voice called. It was Lafeyette. There was a gentle knock on the door. "Are you okay? Are you feeling ill?" 

Alex quickly flushed the toilet and tried to wipe the blood from the white surface. "I'm okay. I just.. The food didn't set well with me." 

He opened the door, and immediately realized his mistake as Lafayette gasped. He still had blood on his lips, and on his chin. He wiped it quickly, but the damage was already done when Lafayette started mumbling to themselves in French. 

"..You need to go to the hospital.." Lafayette wheezed out. "You must have.. Did you hit yourself in the stomach today." 

"No.. Lafayette.. That's not it." Alex said calmly. 

"Why the hell are you so calm?" Lafayette snapped. "You're throwing up blood.. Something must have ruptured." 

"No." Alex stated. "I have cancer." 

Lafayette let out a shaky breath as they pressed themselves against the wall. They looked at Alex up and down and then a look of realization came upon their face. Alex knew he looked differently.. His tan skin was more grayish and his hair was lifeless. 

"I'm dying." Alex whispered. 

Lafayette nodded, and closed their eyes. "That's why you came back.. You wanted to say goodbye. To be with him." 

Alex nodded. "You-You can't tell John, Laf. I need to do that, in my own time. I just want to get to know him again. I don't want him to love me because he feels sorry for me." 

Lafayette pulled Alex in their arms, burying their nose in his hair. "Oh, Alexander, you are so smart and so unbelievably stupid." 

Alex nodded. He couldn't disagree with that logic. 

X 

Alex was amazed by Lafayette's ability to act like nothing happened. They didn't say anything about Alex getting sick, and Lafayette was able to pull of the façade that they didn't just find out that one of their old friends was dying. 

John was practically bouncing on his feet when they left the restaurant, and Alex couldn't stop the smile on his face when he saw John so happy. They walked beside each other after Alex caught up to him.. And John looked up at the night sky. 

"You know what I miss about South Carolina?" John said quietly. 

"Southerners?" Alex quipped. 

John shook his head with a laugh. "No.. The stars. My parents lived in the country so every time I looked up I could see every single one of them." 

Alex looked up, and frowned. There were no stars in the city, only a few. He couldn't quite remember how they looked in the Carribean. He figured they must have been breathtaking. But in the city you could barely spot the moon behind the high buildings. 

"I don't remember what they look like.." Alex trailed off, and he let out a pout despite himself. 

John looked back at him, and grabbed a hold of his arm. "..What do you say we ditch this place?" 

"What?" Alex grinned. 

"Come on.. I know a place." John said simply. 

X  
John didn't say anything the entire ride, despite Alex's questions of where exactly they were going. He simply put his finger to his lips and said, "shh.. It's a secret." 

Alex didn't mind as he cracked the window and let the cool night air blow in his face. Alex felt himself grow more excited as they drove further away from the city. He had never thought of anywhere outside of the city that he knew so well. He didn't even know that there spots that weren't surrounded by high-rises and billboards. 

John pulled off into what looked like a gravel road. "I don't know if you're ready for this. It might actually blow your mind and leave you speechless." 

"Me? Speechless?" Alex scoffed. 

John smirked and got out of the car, and Alex followed slowly behind. John pointed up, and Alex complied.. And he was rendered speechless. 

Every star was visible. He could see what people were going on about when they talked about vastness of space. He followed John as he laid back on the hood of the car. Alex almost tripped over his own two feet, but luckily John was there he help him find his footing. 

Alex laid down next to John. He had this feeling in the pit of his stomach, that was so different from the one he'd had before he threw up. He felt.. Empty. The sky was so big and he was reminded that he was so small. In the grand scheme of things.. He was tiny. It didn't matter how many things he accomplished, he would never be as grand as the night sky or the moon that held all of the stars together. 

"It's breathtaking." Alex practically squeaked. 

He could feel John's eyes on his face. "Yeah.. It is." He could see John smile and Alex thought for a minute that the stars were simply a reflection of the freckles on John's face, but he couldn't bring himself to say that aloud. "You know what I always thought stars were?" John said suddenly. 

"I'm pretty sure they're like balls of gas." Alex said uncertainly. 

"Well.. Yeah.." John agreed, but he took in a deep breath and then continued. "But what if they're like.. Souls. You know, what if heaven is kind of being a star. You die and then you rest in the sky." 

"Like in the lion king?" Alex said quietly. 

"Yeah.." John agreed. "What if we kind of float up there." 

Alex could feel tears prickling at his eyelids when he thought about being a star in the sky. That would be peaceful, just to watch the world move from space. To know that no matter where you were, you could see people who love you. 

"That's a nice thought." Alex whispered, so only John could hear. 

Alex didn't know how long they stayed there, but Alex shivered and John announced that they should go before Alex caught his death (he didn't have the heart to tell him that he already had). It wasn't until John went to help Alex up and he tripped, leaning against John... that Alex felt warm again. 

The two made eye contact, and John's eyes were soft when he met Alex's. His lips quirked into a smile and before Alex could make a move, John was already pressing his lips against Alex's. They stayed there for a moment, before John pulled away. 

"I'm sorry." John whispered. "I had to." 

Alex laughed and shook his head. "I have no complaints." He pressed his lips against John's lips again and he found that he would be okay if time stopped there. If he could stay in that moment, he would be just fine. 

He could die there, and be happy. 

X  
Alex waited until John fell asleep to cross number three off of his list.. And he couldn't think of anything he wanted more than to just be with John. 

It wasn't until he heard rain patter against his window, and his heart speed up that he decided on number four...

**4\. Overcome a fear (particularly fear of thunderstorms).**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment! I love reading them! 
> 
> Also HAPPY FACT #2: Blind people are able to smile without ever seeing another person smiling before, because smiling is such a common human reflex! That's honestly very cool, sweet, and it makes you think.


	4. Overcome a Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He wanted to run away, at first. He wanted to run away from the scary storm and go under the covers and never try to face a storm again. 
> 
> ..But John was next to him, and he could feel his warmth."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW! This chapter was hard.. One because.. You'll see and TWO, I forgot to save the last part of this chapter so I had to re-write it last night. Good thing I took a nap after work or it would not have happened. Anyway, I've had.. a bit of a day.. I went out to eat with my family and the tornado alarms went off- that was fun! 
> 
> So I know you guys are wondering how Alex is going to tell John, and that will be answered in this chapter. Let's just say that it doesn't exactly go according to plan, unfortunately. 
> 
> My recommended song today is 'Skinny Love' by Bon Iver.. But for listening purposes you should definitely play Birdy's version because it's just a lot softer and in my opinion, more sad.

_Come on skinny love just last the year_  
_Pour a little salt we were never here..._  
_\- Bon Iver, Skinny Love (Birdy for listening purposes)_

X 

It took a month for the guilt to really take over, and every time a silence filled the space between John and Alex- he found himself struggling to spit out the words "I'm dying". He knew that it would break John's heart, because after the kiss they shared under the stars.. Nothing was the same between them. Alex wasn't complaining, because it was amazing to him.. The way they just fell back into the routine. 

He didn't want to break this, and he was so selfish because of that. There was a voice in the back of his head, reminding him that if John knew the truth, he wouldn't be able to even look at Alex. John was so happy when they were together, and he couldn't stand to hurt him. 

"You're hurting him by not telling him, Alex." Eliza had said to him. He had turned to her when it became too much and he couldn't even close his eyes without the guilt taking over. He had wrapped himself in two blankets, lying on Eliza's bed in what Peggy called "depressed burrito" style. 

"How can I tell him, Liza?" Alex mumbled. "He's making plans for seven months from now.. I'm not going to be here. I can't just tell him I'm not going to be here." 

Angelica, who was sitting silently in the corner, chose that moment to speak up. "How do you think he'll feel when you get sicker and sicker.. Alexander, I know that you're terrified of hurting him.. But Eliza's right. You're only hurting him more, babe." 

Alex nodded and buried his face in the mattress. He was suddenly overcome with a wave of vertigo and he assumed it was from the amount of stress he was in. He was trying desperately not to imagine the look on John's face if he told him. "What if.. He doesn't love me anymore?" 

"Alex, if he can put up with your know-it-all, loud personality.." Angelica smirked.. "There's absolutely nothing that can scare that boy away from you." 

X 

Alex had planned on telling him in a couple days' time. He had to gather up the courage, because despite his friends' insistence.. He was still incredibly apprehensive. He had it all planned, and he was actually going to be sensitive this time.. 

But then he got sick, and John was knocking on the door right when he threw up. Alex suppressed a whimper when he heard John banging on the bathroom door gently. He wasn't knocking loudly but it sounded like bombs going off in his head. "Babe? Is everything okay?" John had called gently. 

Alex hurried to wipe the toilet seat off and flush, wiping his mouth (he would NOT make the same mistake he did with Lafayette). He opened the door quickly and John frowned when he saw his face. He knew that he looked like a mess, with his hair falling out of its bun and his skin looking even more pale than ever. 

"I don't feel well." Alex said lamely. "Must have been something I ate." 

John cocked his head to the side in confusion. "Baby, you haven't eaten anything.. This has been going on for a while." 

"Maybe the flu." Alex whispered, struggling to come up with an excuse. He did not want John to find out this way, with him barely being able to sob out the reason why he was so sick lately; he could already feel the tears prickling at his eyes. He tried to come up for a reason for his sudden tears. "I really just don't feel good." 

John pressed his hand up against his forehead and nodded. "You're running a fever. Why don't you come lay down in my bed. I'll take care of you." 

Alex nodded, allowing John to lead him to the main bedroom. He let out a sigh of relief when his aching head rested on John's pillow. It smelled like him and he felt comforted. It wasn't like he hadn't been in his bed since they kissed, in fact he found himself snuggling next to John most nights.. But this time it just felt more comforting. 

He didn't notice John leave the room and come back with a lukewarm washcloth and some medicine with a glass of water. "This should make you feel better.. Will you promise me something?" 

Alex hurriedly took the medicine and gulped down the water before nodding. "What?" 

"Will you see a doctor if you don't get better?" John asked. "You're right, it's probably just the stomach flu but you haven't been eating right." 

Alex gulped. He could see it in John's eyes.. He knew that something was wrong. Alex knew that John was trying to convince himself it was probably nothing. He wanted to tell him so badly, but when he tried to open his mouth...No words came out. 

He closed his eyes, not able to look at John, and nodded. "I promise." 

He could feel John's fingers running through his hair as tears streamed down his cheeks. John, of course, thought it was due to him not feeling well.. 

He didn't have the courage to tell him. 

X 

Within two days Alex felt better.. Well, as better as he could feel given his situation. He had almost forgot about the next goal on his 'bucket list', until it started storming one night. 

He was curled up on the couch next to John, trying to get over the storm when he remembered. He snuggled closer to John under the blanket and looked out the window at the storm. "You know.. I've always wanted to get over my fear of storms." 

John hummed in response, looking down at Alex. "Then why don't you?" 

Alex scoffed. "It's not that easy, you goof. It's just something about the rain.. It just burns my skin, you know? It just reminds me of destruction." 

John nodded. "I was scared of dogs for the longest time, because I was bit by one when I was little. My dad made me come face to face with a dog, and I found out they weren't that bad." He sighed and looked away from Alex for a moment. "Probably the only good thing he ever did for me." 

"So you're saying.. I need to go outside and just stand in the rain or something." Alex questioned, watching the rain hit the window. He tried to remind himself that it was just water.. There wasn't going to be a flood and he was safe. 

"I mean.. Slowly." John chuckled. "You have time." 

Alex frowned. He didn't have time, but he couldn't tell John that yet. He didn't have time to take things slowly.. He had to be spontaneous. If he didn't do things in the moment, then he would die without actually living (he could almost hear Angelica's voice in his head.. Telling him that he was being way too dramatic.) 

"Let's go outside." Alex said suddenly, sitting up. His head ached with his sudden movement and he tried to ignore it. "Let's go out in the rain and help me get over this fear." 

John put his hands up and laughed at Alex's sudden burst of energy. "Whoa, babe, it's like twelve in the morning. Are we, two twenty-seven year old men, going to go outside and stand in the rain. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?" 

"It sounds like a great time, is what it sounds like." Alex said, almost a bit too passionately. "Come on, what if tomorrow there's suddenly a drought and it never rains for months." 

"Unlikely.." John said slowly, but a smile still made it's way to his face. "But, fine... Although, I want you to know that you're an absolute madman, Hamilton." 

Alex didn't respond, deciding in that moment to run to the bedroom to get his raincoat. When he returned, John was already slipping on his jacket. He gave Alex one more look that read, "are we really doing this?" Alex nodded in response and John rolled his eyes, opening the door, and grabbing a hold of Alex's hand. 

They giggled like a couple of school children as they practically tip-toed down the hall. Alex remembered why this was maybe a bad idea when the sky cracked with thunder. He yelled out and slid closer to John. The man, in response, squeezed Alex's hand tighter. "It's just thunder, Alex. It can't hurt you." 

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. It was just thunder. There was no hurricane, and he was not back in Nevis. Some people found storms comforting, and maybe Alex would be one of those people after this. Who knows? Maybe he would die during a thunderstorm. Wouldn't that just be a cruel twist of irony.. 

John opened the door that lead to the front steps of their apartment complex, motioning for Alex to come forward. Alex came forward, slowly, dragging his feet as he went. He looked up at the night sky and gulped at the clouds that loomed overhead. 'It's not even hurricane season, Alex.' He tried to remind himself. 

"Give me your hand." John whispered, and Alex complied. He let out a little gasp as John led his hand away from the safety of the apartment complex. The rain was cold on his skin, but it didn't burn with John's hand wrapped around his. 

"Can we.." Alex swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. "Can we go out in it?" 

"Are you ready for that?" John asked, concerned. 

Alex nodded, and then spoke.. More to himself. "Now or never." John gave him an odd look when he said that and he cleared his throat. "I mean.. If I don't do it now, I'll probably never have the courage to do it." 

John nodded, not probing any further. He intertwined his fingers with Alex's, and led them down the stairs. Alex gasped when they walked onto the sidewalk. He wanted to run away, at first. He wanted to run away from the scary storm and go under the covers and never try to face a storm again. 

But John was next to him, and he could feel his warmth. He could do anything as long as John was next to him. It was just like in high school, but this time there was no one that could get between them (except for him untimely death, he reminded himself). 

He laughed as the rain hit his face, although it sounded more like a sob. "It's not so bad. It's cold." 

It felt good on his face, and he could feel himself having somewhat of existential crisis- because this is what it felt like to be alive. He was spontaneous now, trying to fit everything in before he left this earth. He felt dizzy with adrenaline.. 

Wait.. No.. He just felt dizzy. 

Alex opened his eyes in confusion, and suddenly he couldn't hear anything. His ears were ringing, and his eyes were blurry.. Was he falling? He was definitely falling because he could feel himself hitting the concrete.. And everything was loud. 

Why was it so loud? He could hear.. Was it John? Was John speaking to him? He tried to focus his eyes and he could feel John looming over him. He was crying? But maybe that was just the rain.. Alex couldn't be too sure. Was he dying..?

His vision was going black. 

...Such a shame. He wanted to tell John himself. 

X 

Alex didn't know how long he was out, but when he came to there was an incessant beeping in the background.. And his head hurt more than ever. He lifted up his fingers and winced when he felt the bandage on his head. 

"Don't touch it." A voice said, but it was void of any emotion. Alex turned his head and saw John sitting next to him. His eyes were swollen, and Alex had to remind himself it was probably from crying. He had never seen John look so disheveled. "You cut your head when you fell." 

Alex nodded, as if that made perfect sense. He looked around, and tried to let it sink in that he was in a hospital. He frowned to himself, he hated hospitals. They reminded him of being sick; they reminded him of death. "Why.." His mouth was dry, as he leaned his head back on the pillow. "Why am I here?" 

He opened his eyes to look at John.. And John's eyes were no longer on Alex, but on his hands that were right next to Alex's own. John closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. "You had a seizure." 

Alex's eyes widened. Why would he..? It didn't make any sense. He had come to expect the vomiting that came with having stomach cancer.. But seizures? 

"You're dying." John said, almost coldly. Alex felt his heart stop at John's words and he almost felt like he couldn't breathe. "The doctor said- you have cancer? Why didn't you tell me, Alex? Why did you seek me out.. And not tell me that I'm going to fucking lose you?" 

Alex was speechless as he looked down at the bed sheets, and he could feel the tears threatening to fall again. He didn't know what to say, and he felt so ashamed at the way John's voice cracked. He whimpered when John stood up. He was going to leave.. He was going to leave him alone... 

"How could you let me fall in love with you again, only to find out.. I'm.." John sobbed, and Alex could see his knees buckle. Alex didn't want this.. He never wanted to hurt him. He just wanted to be loved. He just.. He was selfish. "Please, answer me!" 

Alex shook his head. "I love you.. I've always loved you. I just- I just didn't want to be lonely. I don't want to die in some cold hospital without being loved." 

"The cancer has spread to your brain, Alex!" John practically yelled, making Alex jump. John seemed to notice mistake, as he lowered his voice. "Why couldn't you get treatment? Why are you allowing yourself to die? You could fix this." 

Alex grimaced. "Don't be naïve, you're a nurse. You know as well as I do that it's terminal. You know that even with chemo I'm going to d-die. I'm going to die, John! And I could do that with dignity or I could go out too sick to even stand." 

John didn't say anything, and his face was blank. Alex could feel himself sob, because it hadn't really sank in.. Not all the way. He wasn't going to be on this Earth anymore. He was going to die, and he didn't know what came after that. 

"Please, John.." Alex sobbed. "Please don't leave me.. I love you, and I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. I don't know what's going to happen, where I'm going to go.. And I'm so scared. I-I don't know if I'm going to hell, if there even is a hell.. Or if I'm going to float up to the sky.. So please, don't leave me." 

"Alex.." John whimpered. 

"Please don't leave me.. Please don't leave me.. Please.. Just don't leave me!" Alex sobbed, and he felt like a helpless child- almost gagging from how distraught he was. "I love you and I'm sorry.. I don't want to be alone.. Please don't..." 

John hurried over to Alex, who was now practically crawling out of the bed. He moved all of the tubes out of the way and gathered Alex in his arms. Alex grasped onto John's shirt, sobbing on his shoulder. Although it was more out of relief now. He didn't think he would deserve this warmth, but John was whispering sweet words in his ear now. 

"I'm not going to leave you, I promise." John whispered.. And Alex buried his face deeper into John's shirt... 

"If these are your last months on Earth.. You're going to die loved, Alexander."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending was pretty hard to write, but now John knows! Please leave me a comment, pleaseee.. I really love to read them before I have to go do adult things. I love you guys!
> 
> HAPPY FACT #3: Otters hold hands with each other so they don't float away while they sleep (ASDGHJKL.. I LOVE OTTERS)


	5. Forgive an enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> '"What is this? Are you sick or something?" 
> 
> Alex snorted at that. It had been a joke of course, but it was ironic. "Yeah, actually I am.. Jefferson. I'm dying so I want to settle all my disagreements before I kick the bucket, if you will.. Or take the big train up to the sky." 
> 
> ..."Very funny, Hamilton." Jefferson drawled.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit lighter in the angst, and there's a big surprise at the end about what next chapter is going to be about. This chapter is lighter because next chapter is the HARDEST, you'll see why. Let's just say that chapter 7 is technically an epilogue. ANYWAY, for this chapter I recommend listening to The Night We met by Lord Huron. Some of you may know this from 13 reasons why, which I didn't finish.. But I loved this song from the show.

_I had all and then most of you_  
_Some and now none of you_  
_Take me back to the night we met_  
_-Lord Huron, The Night We Met._

X 

John was true to his word, and in the weeks after Alex was discharged from the hospital- John didn't dare to leave his side. Much like Alex, he seemed to be trying to fit in as much time as he could. He promised that they would go somewhere special.. Do something special. Alex tried to pretend he didn't hear the way his voice cracked as he continued to drive down the road. He knew it wasn't his fault, but he couldn't help but feel bad for making John cry. 

It was nice to be cared for, he had to admit. Sure, he always had Eliza, who was more than willing to care for him when he became too sick- but he wanted to continue to stay with John. He was so thankful that he didn't have to pretend everything was okay now. He didn't have to pretend that he wasn't sick. In the weeks that followed, John was right there whenever he got sick, brushing his hair in a ponytail so he didn't throw up all over himself. 

Alex's lifesaver came in the form of anti-nausea medicine.. The doctor explained the medicine was usually given after chemo (he'd reprimanded Alex for not seeing him sooner.. Before the vomiting got too bad). It was great, and Alex could finally keep down small amounts of food (he was becoming so thin now, and John ran his hands over Alex's bony wrists every now and again- frowning). 

If Alex had to complain about anything.. It was that he actually felt like he was dying now. It was as if by giving in to letting John care for him, he was allowing himself to die. It was a stupid thought, and Alex wasn't bitter at all.. He wanted someone to care for him. 

Alex had almost completely forgotten about his list.. Until John had found it one day. He had slowly made his way to the room, peeking around the corner to see if Alex was asleep. The anti-nausea medicine made him feel so fatigued, and he slept a lot lately. "Babe.. What's this?" 

Alex peeked one eye open to see what John was talking about, and he laughed at himself when he saw what John was holding. "It's.. Mm.. Nothin' important." He mumbled. 

John opened it and smirked, reading down the page. "Meet John again.. Kiss John one last time..." He trailed off and then approached Alex, flopping down on the bed next to him. "Nothing important? It looks a lot like a bucket list to me." 

Alex whined and weakly nudged John. "Don't call it that." 

"What? Why can't I call it a bucket list?" John asked, and he pressed a hand to his chest in pretend-offense. "Are you saying that.. Kissing John one last time.. Isn't a huge dream of yours?" 

Alex glared at John before grinning triumphantly. "No.. Because a bucket list is things you never thought you'd be able to do. I knew for certain that I would be able to get you to kiss me before I die.. And, my dear Laurens, I was right." 

Alex didn't bother to confess that he'd had his doubts.. That he wasn't sure if John would be able to love him again. John broke into a fit of giggles and Alex furrowed his eyebrows at him. "What's so damn funny?" 

"You didn't know if you'd be able to kiss me again.." John said simply. 

"Uh-huh, did too." Alex pouted, and his voice reached an almost childish pitch. "I'm the most confident person on the face of this Earth.. Not to mention, I'm not bad on the eyes." 

"You didn't know." John repeated. 

"Yes I did!" Alex croaked, sitting up slightly. "Stop bullying a sick man, John Laurens." 

"You.." He kissed him on the nose.. "Didn't.." The cheek.. "Know.." The forehead. 

Alex frowned and stayed silent before lying back on the pillow and closing his eyes. "Fine.. I didn't know. Are you happy?" 

John didn't say anything. "Why didn't you finish it?" 

Alex shrugged, and looked down at the empty page that John was looking at. He tried to think of an honest answer as to why he hadn't been actively trying to do more things. "I don't know.. I really wanted to be with you again. There was nothing else that fit in my nefarious plan." 

John snorted when Alex said 'nefarious'. He looked at Alex, and his eyes were gentle as he stroked his cheek. His touch was so soft that Alex could almost fall asleep. He wanted to spend as much time with John as possible, but sleep always seemed to be pulling him away. 

"Can I help you finish it?" John asked softly. 

Alex smiled and nodded. "What do you have in mind?" 

John paused before speaking. "Closure." 

X 

Alex crossed his arms over his chest and slumped back in the booth where he and John were seated. They were at some fancy restaurant waiting for their.. Guest.. Alex had reminded John several times that he was evil for forcing him outside. John had scoffed and reminded Alex that he had claimed that he felt better than he had in weeks. 

John's bright idea for 'closure'.. Had been simple: Forgive an enemy. Alex had said 'no' right away because there was no way in hell that he would forgive.. Him. If not forgiving him meant that he would go to hell, then so be it. He would gladly march up to the devil himself and tell him that there was no way in hell (pun intended) that he was going to sit face to face to Thomas and.. 

"He's here." John said suddenly, urging Alex to sit up. "Stop being dramatic.. At least act like you want to be here." 

Sure enough, in strutted (yeah.. He did that) Thomas fucking Jefferson himself, in all of his Francophile.. Rich-boy glory. Alex had to stop himself from gagging, and he cursed himself for not taking any medicine before he came because Thomas definitely made him want to vomit. 

"Hamilton." Thomas said slowly, taking off his sunglasses. 

"Jefferson." Alex responded. "Sunglasses at night time? Classy." 

"The lights hurt my eyes!" Thomas snapped. "They're prescription." 

Alex nodded in understanding. "Of course.. Demons can't be under bright lights." 

John glared at Alex, his face screaming 'for the love of God shut up.' He looked at Thomas and smiled apologetically. "Please sit down.. Alex wanted to tell you something." Thomas looked suspicious when John said this, and Alex was pretty sure that he wasn't going to sit down. 

He sat with a huff, and smirked at Alex. "This better be good." 

"Oh trust me.." Alex chuckled, stirring his coffee. "It's going to make your night." 

An awkward silence overcame them and Alex grumbled to himself as he tried to look anywhere but at Jefferson. He didn't know why he had to be the one to say this, because sure it was childish but Jefferson was the evil one.. He was just the innocent bystander. Sure, he had put ink in his coffee that one time.. But it had actually been pretty funny. 

"I'm sorry.. For.. Not getting along with you or whatever." Alex mumbled. "Even though you have some pretty shitty opinions." 

"Alex." John hissed. 

"Sorry, for not getting along with you." Alex said quickly. 

Thomas sat there in shock, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. He looked between Alex and John in disbelief, and Alex was pretty sure that he would have spit his drink all over the two of them if he'd been taking a sip during Alex's apology. "What is this? Are you sick or something?" 

Alex snorted at that. It had been a joke of course, but it was ironic. "Yeah, actually I am.. Jefferson. I'm dying so I want to settle all my disagreements before I kick the bucket, if you will.. Or take the big train up to the sky." 

"Very funny, Hamilton." Jefferson drawled. 

"He's being serious." John said quietly. "He's.. He's dying." 

Thomas' eyes widened and he looked at Alex, taking in his appearance. Alex had always looked out of sorts, but his skin was paler than ever and the dark rings around his eyes seemed to take over his entire face. The look on Thomas' face told Alex all he needed to know.. 

Maybe he didn't hate him so badly after all. 

"I have stomach cancer." Alex explained. "I guess it's spread to my brain as well, so there's that.. And it's why I haven't been to work." 

"You're.." Thomas breathed, and Alex couldn't help but hear the way his voice cracked. "You're dying." 

Alex nodded and watched as Thomas took a sip of his drink, and stared down at his hands- as if trying to figure out what to say next. "I'm sorry." He said suddenly.  
"  
What?" Alex coughed.. He was not expecting that. 

"I've been a piece of shit to you.. When I honestly.. I've never hated you." He explained. "You're smart and, passionate.. And I'm jealous, I think." 

Alex mumbled 'thank you', and Thomas looked between the both of them before standing. Alex didn't expect him to stay of course.. There wasn't much to say. The two of them had reached a truce, and it was far too late to create a friendship between the two of them. 

But Alex wanted to say one last thing. 

"Thomas?" 

"Yeah.." Thomas replied. 

"Kiss Madison.. He loves you too." Alex smiled. 

X 

They were both silent when they settled into bed that night, and Alex felt himself drift in and out of sleep with his head pressed against John's chest. He could hear his heartbeat in his ear. It was comforting.. the gentle beat of his heart. 

"Any other last wishes?" John whispered, pressing a kiss to Alex's head. 

Alex thought about it. There truly wasn't anything else he wanted. He had just wanted John.. But, he had to admit, making amends with Jefferson had been comforting. He didn't want to take any grudges to the grave.. At least any that he knew he could fix. Alex smiled and shook his head. 

"Except being with you forever.. And that's impossible." 

"Not totally." John replied suddenly. 

"John." Alex snorted. "Don't be silly." 

"We could be together.. Till death do us part." John whispered. "Even after death." 

Alex's eyes widened when he realized what John was saying, and tears were already gathering in his eyes. He sat up, and tried to look at John through the dark. "John.. Are you.." 

John nodded, and got close to Alex's ear. 

"Will you marry me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a comment, because I love them. Also the next chapter is the most painful just fyi. This is coming to a close, and Alex is getting more sick. Let that be a bit of a warning.
> 
> Thank you all for reading :) HAPPY FACT #4: There are window washers who dress up as superheros to help sick kids feel better! (Look it up for reals, it's adorable!)


	6. Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "At the end, Alex considered himself lucky. He was lucky to have John and lucky to have these moments, even if they would be some of his last on Earth. 
> 
> But still.. 
> 
> It would be nice to live forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, the saddest chapter of the story AND also the ending. The next chapter will be an epilogue about the letters that Alex sent out to his loved ones (..and not so loved ones). This chapter was hard to write, so much so that I didn't ACTUALLY finish it until last night, and it made ME cry. So that should tell you something, because I hardly make myself cry. 
> 
> My song recommendation for this chapter is 'Say Something' by A Great Big World. I love this song. I will always love this song, and I always listen to this song when I write some h*cking sad stuff. 
> 
> WARNING: For MAJOR character death

_Say something, I'm giving up on you_  
_I'll be the one, if you want me to_  
_Anywhere, I would've followed you_  
_-A Great Big World, Say Something_

X 

There was never a question of whether or not Alex would say yes to John's question.. He would never in a thousand years deny John Laurens' request for his hand in marriage. They had spent most of the night giggling like a couple of children about who they were going to invite and what the cake would look like. Somewhere in between planning vows and locations.. Alex had looked over at John and his chest had hurt. He didn't want to leave him.. 

He wanted more time. 

After the initial euphoria of being wed wore off.. The real question became where would they do this? John had enough of churches to last a lifetime, so a simple church wedding was out of the question.. And Alex couldn't think of any other place. 

"Well.." Alex had mumbled, cuddling next to John. "Most people have months to plan these things, ya know? My time is almost out.. We have like two months." 

John had stayed quiet and Alex reprimanded himself silently for being so insensitive. It was so easy to forget that he couldn't just wallow in his own self-pity. There were actually people who cared for him.. Who would be hurting long after he was gone. Alex shrugged and smirked at John. "But I'm pretty stubborn so I wouldn't be surprised if I pulled through for a year." 

John smiled softly and kissed his head. "Or maybe you're so stubborn you'll live until your one-hundred.. That sounds like something you'd do." 

"And, to think, you'd have to deal with me for that long." Alex snorted, resting his head back on the sofa. "Till death do us part and what not" 

"I wouldn't mind." John shrugged. "I wouldn't mind living with you forever." 

The next morning, Alex called over Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy.. Hoping for some kind of advice about where they could hold this last-minute ceremony. Unknowingly, John had asked for the help of Hercules and Gilbert.. And Alex had to admit, it was pretty funny to see the way Gilbert's ideas conflicted with those of the girls. 

"Gil, these plans that you're talking about will take forever.. Doves when they kiss?" Eliza questioned, flipping through wedding magazines so it could AT LEAST be a decent ceremony. "We don't have that much money." 

It was Angelica who came up with the idea. "How about your parents, Alex? They live relatively close.. You could hold the wedding there. They have a have a huge backyard." 

"We need someone to officiate the wedding." Hercules pointed out. 

Peggy snorted and slowly raised her hand, gathering the attention of everyone around her. "I'm actually an ordained minister, so I got you." 

Angelica narrowed her eyes at her sister's confession, and Eliza's jaw was practically on the ground. Peggy laughed and shrugged one shoulder. "I got ordained online.. I had some free time on my day off from work, so I figured.. What better what to fill my time than to get ordained as a minister." 

"That's a very.. Odd thought to have when bored." Alex said slowly. 

"Maybe so.. But I'M your girl." Peggy winked, pulling a quick 'finger guns.' 

X 

George and Martha were more than happy to allow the boys to get married in the backyard. Alex couldn't help to hug both of his adopted parents when they agreed to loan their house for a small ceremony. His adopted mother and father had clung to him a bit longer than usual, as if they were trying to hold onto the memory of Alex.. As if they could keep him with them longer if they just didn't let go. It was comforting, and Alex didn't mind. 

After that, it seemed to be easier. Peggy had already planned what she would wear (Alex threatened to come back as a ghost if she even attempted to come to his wedding dressed as a 'sexy priest'), and they had picked simple decorations, along with invitations on who they would invite. 

John had insisted that they invite Jefferson, since he and Alex had just recently stopped being enemies. Alex had reminded John that they should warn him on the invitation that it may not be up to his 'standards', being last minute and everything (John said 'no'). 

It took a month to plan out their impromptu wedding, and Alex had planned for just a small gathering.. 

But everyone from his office, friends of the Washington's that he didn't even know existed, and almost the entire nursing staff from the hospital where John worked arrived. He didn't want to admit it, but it made him feel a bit nervous.. 

He was never one to feel lacking when it came to appearance, but he didn't look the same anymore. It had been difficult to tailor a suit that didn't completely fall off of his body, and he actually looked sick. He'd allowed Eliza and Angelica to attempt to cover up the grayish tint of his face with concealer, but he doubted it did much to cover it up. 

John had peeked in, making sure everything was going nicely. "Hey how is everything going?" 

"They're trying to make me look presentable." Alex explained. 

John walked in, closing the door behind him. Alex could see him frowning from through the mirror, as he looked down at the make-up they were using. "You don't need this.. You look amazing. You always do." 

Alex rolled his eyes but gave John an affectionate smile. "Of course, but not everyone is going to see my face through rose-colored glasses." 

"Well if they can't see how great you look, they should probably get their eyes checked." John shrugged. 

"Okay.. So you two obviously need some alone time- and we'll leave you to that." Angelica laughed, excusing herself and Eliza out of the room. 

When it was just the two of them, John pulled Alex into the embrace. It was nice, and Alex closed his eyes, trying to pretend that they could just stay their together. That they had time to get married and have a nice honeymoon. He was terrified, of everything.. Mostly what would happen when he died. 

But with John.. It wasn't so scary. 

"Isn't it bad luck to see each other before getting married?" Alex asked. 

John shook his head and kissed the top of his head. "We're the luckiest couple in the world, babe." 

The two of them could just spend all day enjoying each other's company if it weren't for Angelica knocking on the door, and reminding them that the wedding was about to start. 

X 

Alex's stomach had ached when he met John at the altar, but it wasn't because of being sick. He had never imagined that he would be able to marry the love of his life. It was almost enough to bring tears to his eyes. It had been a hectic six months, and he didn't think that it would end like this. 

He wasn't alone. 

He almost didn't hear the vows that John repeated, lost in just how beautiful his face looked. Alex wondered for a second if he wouldn't become a star when he died, but instead.. Become one of the stars that covered John's cheeks. 

Alex's knees felt wobbly with nervousness as he repeated the vows that Peggy read to him. When it was time to exchange the rings.. Alex found himself thankful that George and Martha had been willing to help John and Alex actually afford them. John's hands were gentle as he slipped the ring on Alex's finger, and Alex was the same in return. 

John had pulled Alex in a kiss before Peggy could say the words 'you may kiss'. Alex felt breathless, and the entire crowd seemed to disappear- Alex couldn't even really hear them politely clapping in the background. It wasn't until Peggy cleared her throat, sending them both a wink.. Did they realize that they were no longer the only ones. 

They both couldn't help but blush when one Angelica whooped from the small crowd, but John's hand never left Alex's.. 

They were married. 

X 

The reception wasn't anymore fancy than the ceremony. There wasn't extravagant food displays, or a live band. The music consisted of whatever was on Eliza's iPod, and Alex had stayed seated for the most part; he had been on his feet all day and he was feeling weak as they day went on. 

When it was finally time for the couples dance, Alex leaned on John.. Nearly falling asleep with his head pressed against his shoulder. John's hand was pressed up against Alex's back, making sure to help him stand. Alex smiled into his embrace. "This is nice." 

"Are you happy..?" John whispered. "Mr. Laurens-Hamilton." 

"I love you." Alex hummed. 

"I love you more." John responded. 

"Impossible." 

They didn't go anywhere for the honeymoon, either. Alex had scoffed and reassured John that beaches were overrated, and that he'd grew up on an island.. So he didn't really want to go back. He had told him that he would be fine with just the two of them and a bottle of wine.. 

And that's exactly what John did. He'd even gone the extra mile, much to Alex's surprise. Sure, rose petals on the bed was a bit too much.. But he couldn't complain because the night was perfect and Alex had never felt this close to anyone in his life. 

They had fallen asleep wrapped around each other, and Alex smiled as he fell asleep against John's chest. He fell asleep with the memory of John's hands on his bare skin, and the way their lips had felt against each other. For the hundredth time since he reconnected with John, he found that he would be okay with stopping time and staying in this moment forever. 

It was bittersweet. He was dying. He could feel it in his bones and everyday he knew that he was closer to the day where he took his last breath. He was scared.. But he had John. Would he have ever had this moment with John again if he hadn't been told he was dying? Would he still be working day and night, not having time for a life outside of being a lawyer? 

At the end, Alex considered himself lucky. He was lucky to have John and lucky to have these moments, even if they would be some of his last on Earth. 

But still.. 

It would be nice to live forever. 

X 

In the end.. Alex survived nine months, which was three months longer than the doctor had predicted. 

It had been almost out of nowhere, in John's opinion. He'd been doing fine, and a weight went off their shoulders once they reached the seventh month mark- and John had been so convinced that Alexander would make it to a year, maybe even more. His appetite had been better, and his spirits had been so high. 

..And then he became sick. 

It had been the flu, something anyone could have overcome with the help of rest and medication. But Alex's immune system had been too weak, and John would never forget how it felt to rush to the hospital at four in the morning because his husband's fever had nearly reached 105.. He would never forget how it felt to have Alex taken from his arms, because he couldn't walk on his own. 

He had felt so helpless. The feeling only increased when Alex had been put in the ICU, and seeing him lifeless and unconscious on the bed had been enough to have John sobbing into Alex's hands. They had him intubated him in able to help him breath, and John had felt like he'd lost him already. 

"He'll come out of this." He'd whispered to himself, pushing Alex's hair back. "He's stubborn." 

It took about five times for the doctor to remind him that he wasn't going to come out of this, for it to sink in.. And John fell down in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs when he finally came to his senses. "I don't...He was.. He was doing so well." 

"Somehow that's how it goes." The doctor frowned. "I'm very sorry, but the odds are against him. We've done everything we could, and we have him sedated.. But it's time, Mr. Laurens-Hamilton. He's dying." 

The optimistic part of John's brain told him that maybe he would defy the odds.. He always exceeded expectations. But the rational, medical part of John's brain reminded him that the cancer was too extensive now. There was no way. 

They hadn't even had a year together.. John's heart ached and for a moment he wished that Alex wouldn't have come back into his life, just so he wouldn't have to hurt like this. He hated himself for that.. Alex would be dying without him, and John would be so lost. 

He remembered how Alex looked after their first night being married, how he looked when he showed up freezing on John's doorstep.. How he smiled. 

He realized that he wouldn't have it any other way.. He had only one request. 

"H-He hates hospitals." John whispered, wiping at the tears falling down his face. "Can he.. Can I take him home. I just want him to be comfortable when he goes." 

"Of course." The doctor said gently. 

One good thing, John reminded himself. 

He would die with John by his side. 

X 

Alex was unconscious most of the time, and when he was awake he was beyond confused.. Barely able to mumble out coherent words. It hurt John.. Seeing Alex this way. He was usually so eloquent but when Eliza had tearfully grabbed a hold of his hand.. Alex had whispered 'mom', sending them all into tears. 

George and Martha visited every day, kissing his cheek and reminding him how much they loved him. When they arrived, John would stand quietly in the hallway.. Giving Alex's adopted parents the moment they desperately needed with their son. 

On the final night, a miracle happened.. 

Alex was coherent and awake, talking quietly to John. He didn't dare get up from the spot on the bed.. He didn't want to leave Alex out of fear that he'd be gone when he came back. But he knew that Alex was determined to hang on for him. 

"I left some letters.." Alex whispered. "For family.. Friends.. And even Jefferson." He laughed weakly, before turning his head to John. "Can you give them out for me?" 

"Of course." John smiled tearfully, and he wanted so badly to tell Alex to stop talking like he was already gone but he was sure that Alex knew something he didn't. 

"Do you remember.. When you tried to crawl through my bedroom window that one night.. When we were kids." Alex smiled. "I tried to help you without anyone hearing, but George- He knew." 

"I always went to you when I wanted to get away from my dad." John smiled. 

"Hmm.." Alex hummed. "That's a nice memory." 

John nodded in agreement, and held Alex closer. He already felt so cold, and John knew that he was struggling to stay awake. He wanted him to stay awake, but he couldn't be so selfish. Alex shouldn't have to hang on just because John was afraid to let him go. 

"You're tired, baby." John said quietly. "Close your eyes and go to sleep." 

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Alex smiled, leaning against John's shoulder. 

"Always." John whispered. "I love you.." 

"I love you more." Alex replied in more of a whisper. 

"Impossible." 

Alex fell asleep, and John couldn't help but watch his chest rise and fall with difficulty. John pressed his hand against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart. Maybe he would be alive when he woke up.. Maybe he wouldn't leave. 

But he was so sick. 

John made a decision then, letting out a small sob as he leaned down to Alex's ear. He took a moment to take in his face.. The way he looked; he was so peaceful, so calm. It was nothing like how he usually slept.. Talking to himself and moving around. 

It was time. 

"You can let go." John whispered, and the tears were falling harder than ever. "Thank you for loving me.. And I'm so lucky that I got to share these moments with you.. But if you're tired, you can let go.." He let out a choked sob before continuing.. "Save a spot in the sky for me." 

X 

Alex died on a peaceful October night. John woke to find him not breathing, and despite his acceptance of his passing, he couldn't help but scream out when Alex did not wake. He couldn't help but start CPR like he'd been taught.. 

Eliza, Angelica, and Peggy found him like that and it was Angelica who pulled him away from Alex. It was Angelica who had sobbed despite the hold that she had on John.. And it was Eliza who pressed her hands against John's cheeks. 

"He's gone.." She cried. "There's nothing you can do.. He's gone." 

X 

It took a month for John to be able to leave the comfort of his home, and enjoy it.. Everything reminded him of Alex, and the hurt seemed never-ending. 

But on one not-so-special, chilly November night.. John looked up at the sky.. 

A star brighter than any other shined back at him. 

For the first time in a month, John Laurens-Hamilton smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and please leave me a comment, also the next chapter will be kinda short as it is just about the letters that Alex sent. 
> 
> HAPPY FACT #5: The elements that we are composed of were formed in the interiors of collapsing stars. So we are literally made up of star dust (this one makes me happy whenever I feel bad, and it goes with the end of this chapter).


	7. Alexander's Letters (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letters Alexander left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, I edited this before I left for work. Thank you all for reading this, and I'm sorry for making you all cry. 
> 
> For this chapter I recommend listening to Saturn by Sleeping At Last. It reminds me of space and laugh.. and it's just beautiful.
> 
> I KNOW THAT THE FORMATTING IS MESSED UP BTW, I'LL FIX IT WHEN I GET HOME ;)

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left_  
_How light carries on endlessly even after death_  
_With shortness of breath you explained the infinite_  
_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist_

_-Sleeping At Last, Saturn_

X 

**George and Martha**

_Dear mom and dad,_

___Let me just start off by saying that I should have called you that more often, and I'm sorry that I didn't. But to be completely honest, Martha, after I lost my mother- you became that role better than anyone could.. And George, you were the only father I ever truly had._ _ _

___Thank you for taking care of me, I know it must have been hard. I was damaged when I came to you guys at the age of twelve, but you still dealt with my never-ending anxiety and nightmares. You respected my boundaries, and after so many foster families giving up on me, you did not._ _ _

___I'm sorry that I didn't get treatment like you wanted, and I hope you can forgive me. I'm stubborn, as I'm sure you are used to by now. Although by the time you receive this letter, I will be gone.. Just know that I do not regret my choice. I was too far gone, and I just wanted to live out the days I had. I'm not afraid.. At least not anymore. Not afraid of dying at least._ _ _

___My biggest fear is what will happen to the people I love once I'm gone. I know that it will hurt, but please don't give up on being amazing parents. Adopt another kid.. Do for them what you did for me. Change their lives._ _ _

___But please never forget about the scrappy kid that you adopted from the Caribbean._ _ _

___Love,_ _ _

___Alex._ _ _

__[George and Martha eventually gathered enough courage to adopt another child. Much to their surprise, the child was almost EXACTLY like Alexander. His wide brown eyes had looked up at the house, and for a second George that he was looking at Alexander again. The boy was from the Dominican Republic, and lost his parents at a young age, and he had more recently lost is abuela (although he assured them that she wasn't 'really' his abuela)._ _

__He talked about his home a lot, and how he wanted to go back someday.. Although his parents were excited to come to US.. So much so they had named him after a passing ship that they had seen._ _

__The ship read 'US NAVY'.]_ _

__X_ _

__**Eliza** _ _

___My dearest Betsy,_ _ _

___My heart aches every time I remember the night I told you that I was dying. You know that I hate to see you cry, especially over me. Please don't shed too many tears because of me, and know that I'm always with you. Whenever you feel the sun shining on your face, or you feel happy out of nowhere.. That's me._ _ _

___You were my first REAL friend. I'll never forget how you sat next to me during lunch.. And even though I was suspicious and cynical, you never left me. You sat right next to me for that entire lunch period and allowed us to just sit in silence._ _ _

___You were also my first real kiss.. We snuck into that party of Burrs', and ended up kissing each other after a couple of drinks. We both cried because we were terrified that it would ruin our friendship, and we knew that we were more like brother and sister than anything._ _ _

___I'm so lucky to have had you as a friend.. Actually, my best friend. I know that sometimes you're afraid to speak up, and you're embarrassed by how shy you are. But please remember that you're perfect just the way you are. You are smart, sweet, and quick to laugh- and hard when it counts. Please don't let me dying take away your sweetness. That's the best part about you. You have such a soft heart, and I've always admired it. I've always loved you, Betsy._ _ _

___Also, just because I know that Peggy WOULD want me to say this.. Give the girl across the hallway from you a chance. She is very pretty, and I think she likes you as well (I know these things, trust me)._ _ _

___Forever,_ _ _

___Alex._ _ _

__[For the longest time, Eliza was too depressed to even try to make any friends other than the ones she already had. It wasn't until the girl across the hallway stopped to ask if Eliza was alright, did she open up ("I never see you smile anymore." She had frowned)._ _

__She discovered that the girl's name was Maria, and she had ALSO been trying to gather the courage to talk to Eliza._ _

__After a few years of dating, they were married.. And they had their first child a couple years after that.._ _

__Alexander.]_ _

__X_ _

__**Angelica** _ _

___My dearest Angelica,_ _ _

___Do you remember that time Jefferson tried to ACTUALLY stuff me in a locker when we were sixteen? You pulled me out of the locker and before I could attack Jefferson, you did it for me. I have never seen Jefferson so scared than when you grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the locker. I was nearly speechless. Of course, I met you before I met Eliza.. But it wasn't until later that I found out you were sisters._ _ _

___I've always been so full of myself, so much so that I used to consider myself one of the smartest people I knew. But then of course, I met you and you changed that. You and I could stay up all night just talking about anything from the state of the government to who should get the rose on The Bachelor._ _ _

___I know that you try to be tough, and maybe you're still angry with me. But know that I love you so much. It's okay to cry. You always think that you have to be the strong one for Eliza and Peggy, but you are a human being first and foremost. You're allowed to break and cry, and be angry.. And be a human with HUMAN emotions._ _ _

___Don't ever lose that fire you have. Anytime you see an injustice in the world, keeping calling it out even when your voice wavers (which it NEVER wavers). Be unapologetically outspoken. I love that so much about you. Never change anything about you, especially for someone else._ _ _

___Love,_ _ _

___Alex._ _ _

___P.S. Check on John for me and make sure he eats. You can scare him into taking care of himself._ _ _

__[For months, Angelica keeps the letter unopened on her dresser. She tells herself it's just because she's been busy, but the truth is.. She was scared. She hadn't allowed herself to cry ever since she found John trying to perform CPR on Alex, on one October morning._ _

__When she reads the letter, she falls to the ground sobbing. It's almost embarrassing, how she clutches onto the letter and sobs like a child. She hadn't realized how much she missed him. How every morning she thought about something she'd like to tell Alex.._ _

__And then she'd remember._ _

__She checks on John every day for months, and eventually.. It just because Saturday night dinners between the two of them._ _

__They talk about Alex a lot. What they loved about him]_ _

__X_ _

__**Peggy** _ _

___Dearest Peggy,_ _ _

___No one has ever been able to make me laugh until there tears in my eyes, except you. You've always been my little sister. I know that you come off as sarcastic and funny, but I know that you hurt sometimes. Please never feel inferior to your sisters. I'll never forget that night we talked about what our fears were and you told me that you were afraid you'd always be '..and Peggy' for the rest of your life._ _ _

___I don't think either Angelica or Eliza would know what to do without you. You light up every room with your laugh and you make people feel happy every time you speak. During the darkest moments of my life, you could always pull me back._ _ _

___You are smart, clever, funny, and beautiful. Please don't ever stop bringing joy to others. It's who you are. I can't imagine you being any other person. No matter how much it hurts, don't lose your happiness. Please take care of yourself._ _ _

___You have always been more than just ...and Peggy' to me._ _ _

___Love,_ _ _

___Alex._ _ _

__[Unlike her older sister, Peggy smiles through the tears when she reads this letter. She becomes a rock to her sisters, and she's quick to tell some of her favorite 'funny' stories about Alex when the grief becomes too much._ _

__The memories hurt, but she loves remembering her friend. She begins volunteering on the weekends, in his memory. The kids on the cancer unit are more than excited when they see Peggy come in the mornings]_ _

__X_ _

__**Thomas** _ _

___Dear Jefferson,_ _ _

___I honestly cannot believe I am writing this letter, and I hope you weren't too shocked when you received a letter from me. This isn't going to be too sappy, but I'm not here to roast you from the grave either, although that would be *kind of* funny, you know?_ _ _

___Anyway, I've always thought you had shitty opinions, but I'll be damned if you weren't one the best at arguing- other than me._ _ _

___Don't stop arguing about what you believe in, no matter how shitty. Find someone to be your new Alexander (I know, it will be hard), and be as tough with them as you were with me._ _ _

___Your sort of friend,_ _ _

___A.HAM_ _ _

___P.S PLEASE. KISS. MADISON. For the love of God._ _ _

__[Thomas wouldn't admit it, but he *may* of cried when he found out that Alex had passed._ _

_He did find some poor soul to be his new Alexander, but it really wasn't the same. The boy did not have the same spark that his enemy had carried._

_Oh.._

_And Thomas DID kiss Madison]_

_X_

_**Laf and Hercules** _

__Dear Gilbert and Hercules,_ _

__I know that we were never as close as you were to John, but thank you for being my friend. Gil, I know that it must have been hard to hear me insult Thomas so much, and thank you for listening patiently while I ranted until I was red in the face._ _

__I hope the best for both of you, and I hope that you have each other for the rest of your lives. I've always been envious of how much you two loved each other. But I am so thankful to have been loved by John for this short amount of time._ _

__Please take care of him. He may push you away, but don't give up on him. He needs you. I'm sorry that I'm leaving behind a mess, but make sure to tell John that I'm always with him._ _

__Yours truly,_ _

__Alex._ _

_[Like Alex predicted, John did try to push them away. But they refused to give up on him. They stayed with him while he broke down.._

_And they couldn't help but cry too.]_

_X_

_**John** _

__My John,_ _

__I saved this letter for last, because it hurts so much to write this. I know by the time you read this, I will be gone. I know that it will hurt you. I'm so sorry that I've caused you so much hurt. I hope that you don't regret being with me, because you have given some of the best months of my life._ _

__I know this is cliché, and probably SUPER cheesy.. But if love could have kept me alive, I would have truly lived forever. My heart has never been as full as it was when I'm loving you. I never forget you after we left, and I'll never forget you even after I'm gone._ _

__I know you will hurt, but please keep living. Find someone great and love them like you loved me. Give them the best years of their lives, but don't forget me.. And no that there is absolutely nowhere you could go that I won't follow._ _

__When you look up in the sky, I'll be the star shining the brightest for you. I'll always be with you, John Laurens-Hamilton. You were the best thing in my life, and my heart aches knowing that I couldn't spend more time with you._ _

__There were several times over the past few months where I wished I could just stop time and be with you forever. I imagined what our lives would be like if I wasn't dying. I hope that's heaven, John.. I really do. I hope that reborn somewhere where I could keep loving you, or I hope that I'm living out my dreams with you right now._ _

_I'm sorry that I came into your life only to leave, but I do not regret it. I know that may be selfish, but you've given me so much. I hope that you don't regret it either.  
I know it's hard to let me go, but I'll be okay. You will be okay._

_Your husband,_

_Alex Laurens-Hamilton_

[John got better, eventually. But sometimes the memory would hit him and he wouldn't be able to move out of the grief. But other times, he would feel Alex in the room with him and he couldn't help but smile. He could never regret what he had with Alex. 

John sees Alex every time he looks up from the night sky.. 

Maybe he'll find someone someday.. 

But for now, no one can replace the boy that stole and shattered his heart]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and please leave me a comment. By the way, the Washingtons adopted Usnavi from In The Heights.. I've been on a ITH binge lately. 
> 
> HAPPY FACT #6: Penguins can be tickled (I HAVE A NEW GOAL, suddenly..)

**Author's Note:**

> I will be posting a chapter every day for seven days, because there are seven chapters. This fanfiction will move a bit faster in terms of relationships, because I have seven chapters to say what I want. This was more of a challenge for me, and very convenient because I know what I want with this story and it doesn't fit into 20-something chapters. ALSO, there will be little time jumps as the story progresses. 
> 
> P.S: The Schuyler sisters were supposed to represent 3 out of the 7 steps in the grieving progress. Angelica was anger, Eliza was depression, and Peggy was acceptance. 
> 
> Please leave me a comment :) I will be updating around 4 pm :P


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